My Amazing Words of Wisdom....now 30% wiser.

My Words of Wisdom: Save time today by watering your plants while taking a shower.

My Words of Wisdom: Don’t judge a book by its cover, watch the movie instead.

My Words of Wisdom: The next time someone tells you to be quiet, quietly kick their ass.

My Words of Wisdom: Live your life…or else.

My Words of Wisdom: Don’t trust an Eskimo who doesn’t eat Eskimo pies.

My Words of Wisdom: If you can’t trust yourself who can you trust? That’s why you should trust no one.

My Words of Wisdom: Good things come to those who wait, except for those people who don’t wait and have the time of their life.

My Words of Wisdom: Why run a mile when you can sit on the couch?

My little brilliant idea

my brilliant idea..for halloween a couple should go as taylor swift & kanye. i might go as Pizza the Hut or as Ralphie in the bunny suit from a xmas story.  Yes that is me in the bunny suit for halloween when I was a little boy.  Here is a picture for a side by side comparison to Ralphie.  Thanks mom...

They took away my thunder...

So my friends just had a baby today. They posted it on Facebook so it kind of makes my big annoucement about what I'm having for lunch seem not as important anymore. Ham sandwich. Thanks for stealing my thunder look at me look at me friends.

Reeses Pieces

I know the Reeses candy brand creator passed away in the 50's. I wonder if he is resting in Pieces?

Thunderstorms = Attention Whores

So I am watching the great thunderstorm and I'm thinking to myself...okay big bright, beautiful thunderstorm...no one likes a show off. Be more humble like the moon.

That just happened....

just swatted a fly....murder was the case that they gave me.

What the?

Thought I just overhead a dolphin singing “She poppin she rollin she rollin….I’m in love with a flipper”

Give Me a Quote

I have a stick and a stone and ready to break someone’s bones. No words needed.

Amazing Thoughts

I'm going to advance my work career by releasing a homemade sex tape. Seems to work for fake, talentless “celebrities”. Instead of night vision my sex tape will be in 3D.

Now Taking Subscribers

I am now taking subscribers again for a limited time only! The first 10 subscribers get a not so personal email thank you response from me! So go ahead and subscribe...it's so easy a caveman can do it.

Not Taking Subscribers

Currently I am not taking any new subscribers. As you can see from my vast list of subscribers to the right, this blog is overloading with subscribers and I'm worried the system won't be able to handle it. Send me an email and I will put you on the waiting list. However, like Vegas if you are on the guestlist or have a big group of beautiful women with you, then you can subscribe....you still have to pay the entrance fee though...a blogger gots to eat.

My Brilliant Plan #1 - Save My Heroes

Growing up my childhood heroes were the hometown minor league triple A baseball team the Albuquerque Dukes. They were true patriots of Albuquerque, The Duke City. Our mayor didn't tell anyone they were thinking of moving the team to Portland, Oregon and before we knew it they were gone with the wind and became the Beavers. Here I was a little kid grown man yelling crying my eyes out to my mom. Cue years later an episode of The Simpsons aired where Springfield's baseball team, The Springfield Isotopes, moved to Albuquerque. Simpsons did it! so sure enough the power of The Simpsons caused our city to vote to have the name of our new baseball team be the Albuquerque Isotopes instead of The Dukes. I wanted to bashed my head into my living room wall in disgust. I didn't know what to do...I felt helpless...my team was gone. I looked for spiritual guidance. Like Homer Simpson said "I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!” Superman, your country needs you...I need you big man.

Once again I have formulated another stupid amazing, brilliant plan! I wrote a Simpson's episode script and sent it to the writers of The Simpsons. The episode is an original piece called "The Universe Restored" which is about Springfield's baseball team, The Springfield Dukes, moving the team to Albuquerque. Because the Simpsons did it!....the people of Albuquerque will then want to change the baseball team's name back to the original and rightful name of the Albuquerque Dukes and my world will make since again. Surprisingly I haven't heard anything back about my script yet...

Give Me a Quote

May have their differences but I would never discriminate or be racist based on color.....I love green and red the same.

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"Paul Garcia is awesome!" - Paul Garcia

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Things can only get better....well unless they get worse.

I've been teepeed!!! Revenge in the works!

Two months ago I walked outside my house to go for a run when my life flashed before my eyes. I'll never forget the felling of disgust...the feeling of lost hope. What I saw that day no one should ever have to witness. I felt like vomiting due to the smell and the brutal sight that was before me. I realized then that someone sick was trying to send me a message. They weren't playing around...this was serious. All I can remember is I saw white everywhere....toilet paper filled my front yard. My house had been teepeed! My neighbor, Mrs. Alvarez, was outside looking at me and I mad dogged her back as she quickly became my number one suspect. What was she doing outside at 7am in the morning? Was she there waiting to see my reaction to her art work destruction and chaos? She had a look on her face that I will never forget...a look that said "Yeah I did it...what you gonna do about it bitch?" For someone who teepeed my house she was sure being Joe Cool about it. I'm sure she was having the time of her life watching me weep....10 hours before I had called this my front yard...now I didn't even recognize what it had become. I decided I wouldn't give her the satisfaction so I started playing in the toilet paper. Take that hag! However, through my Sherlock Holmes Jessica Fletcher Encyclopedia Brown detective skills, I was able to gather evidence and use my sharp detective skills to determine that she was not the one who did it. You see I can pick up the smallest details like a hawk! I used my detective skillset to conclude that a 95 year old woman in a wheelchair probably wouldn't be able to climb trees in the middle of the night (and I'm pretty sure she doesn't even use toilet paper).

To this day I haven't found the despicable, heartless toilet paper vandals (or what I like to call them The Mercy Flushes). Since I don't know who did it and it's been two months since the heinous crime occurred, I am just going to egg all my friends’ and reader's houses this weekend including yours. I apologize in advance for my justified actions, but as you can tell there is nothing else I can do to make sure I get my revenge on the teepiers. Don't take it personal. I'm a victim. I can't walk outside for fear of seeing toilet paper in the trees or in my bushes. I'm scared to even use the restroom anymore. I interrogate everyone who comes over to my house with calculated questions. Where were you between the hours of 2am and 7am on Saturday, June 13th? What brand of toilet paper do you use? Can you climb a tree?

This can all be avoided if the teepiers come forward or someone gives me a tip on who the perpetrators are. I will give $4.54, a Ken Griffey Jr. Upper Deck rookie card (in near mint condition and valued at $80 ten years ago), and a McDonald's buy one get one free Big Mac coupon to anyone who can provide information leading to the execution prosecution of these dangerous criminals. The only information I have is that one of low-lifes was between 4ft and 8ft tall, had blondish-brunettesh hair, was left and/or right handed, and might have been a female (or male?). So if you know anyone that fits this description send me a message or contact the police. Don't take the law into your own hands. The teepiers might be armed and dangerous with said toilet paper.

I have been victimized. But instead of feeling sorry for myself I am going to turn this devastating tragedy into a positive. If I get teepeed again, I will actually come out the winner because I won't have to buy toilet paper for a month. The ball's in your court teepiers.

I Heart Pizza....updated with more deep dish and emotional flavor

You know what they say....a pizza a day keeps the abs away. Or did that saying have something to do with an apple and a doctor? Whatever. The point is pizza makes the world go round. Tonight I devoured a pizza like a starvin Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and by the powers of grayskull it was awesome! I swear, if I was a junkie, I would stick two needles filled with pizza sauce in my veins in both my arms and just be high off the sauce for weeks. I was watching the movie Fight Club while eating my pizza and came up with my own Pizza Club. The first rule of pizza club is you don't talk about pizza club. The second rule of pizza club is you don't talk about pizza club. No one ever remembers the other rules but rule number 3 is eat...eat until you explode pepperonis and mushrooms. I love my homemade pizzas. Once I was making my pizza and didn't realize I was out of pepperonis (pepperonis = little glowing circles of heaven), so I ordered a Pizza Hut pizza, took the pepperonis off that pizza and put them on mine. Waste of money? Not at all. I spare no expense when it comes to pizza. I had an ex once tell me to go make out with a pizza and I did. Pizza > Sex. Well that's debatable.

Would you rather fight Stay Puft Marshmallow Man or Godzilla?

I thought about this for hours days. If you were walking down a dark alley and something jumped out to fight you would you rather fight the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man or Godzilla? I will have to go with the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man because at least while he was killing me I could be eating some of his scrumptious marshmallow arm while he was doing it. That is how I would want to go out....and no one could call me as a soft marshmallow anymore.

Give Me a Quote

I live in a brick house so can throw stones.

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Life sucks and then you eat pie.

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I float like a bee and sting like a butterfly - Muhammed Paulie

My fight with Gremlins....Gizmo 3.0 Edition

If you don't subscribe to my blog, Gremlins will sneak into your house tonight and eat you. So please don't chance it and just subscribe.

As you can tell I'm watching Gremlins. Now that I am older and wiser I have so many questions about this movie. Why didn’t Billy capture the gremlins rather than kill them? Didn’t he realize if he gave every country in the world its own Gremlin that could have ended world hunger? You'll remember from the movie that if you get the maguis or gremlins wet they multiply. All you have to do is keep getting them wet and you will have an endless supply of maguis and gremlins to eat. Like most animals, they taste like chicken...except Gizmo, I ate him and he tasted more like a prime rib steak. So just slaughter the little bastards into gremlin beef happy meals and you will have an endless, free supply of food for the world. Am I the only one who thought of this?

And don’t let your magui eat after midnight. Watching the movie has made me realize that isn’t a smart thing to do. But my magui tricked me into believing that broccoli didn't count because it isn't really food....well it is. I had 10 green cocoons on my kitchen floor so I took them on the roof and dropped them like water balloons. Green goo burst everywhere like the 4th of July!

I do want another magui now though! I'll just have his stomach tied so he can't eat food after midnight. Anyone know where I can buy one? I don't see anyone selling them on Ebay or Craigslist. Ok I'm kidding...I didn't really waste my time checking if a magui was for sale on Craigslist. I did check Ebay though and no luck.

If anyone ever wants to have intellectual conversations about magui's or gremlins please send me a direct message. Serious messages only please! Okay I will stop talking about magui's now. I love magui's. Aren't they great? I wish I was a magui!

"I'm quoting myself" - Myself

I'm feeling like a stud because a girl just said I'm a heartbreaker. Dang, if I had a dollar for every time a girl has said that to me I'd have a dollar.

Is GOD on twitter? Follow me and I will follow you big guy.

I don't mind cats. I had a cat once....but my dog was hungry.

Just got done eating tacos...I had a moment of silence for the Taco Bell dog before the meal. RIP Taco Bell dog.

The Lost Boys > Twilight. Jack Bauer Vampire would wreck Teeny Bopper Vampire any night of the week....I'm just sayin'...

The way quotes should have been....

Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. I love you my new phone!

Fudgy bunnies make the world go round!

Surely you can't be serious!? I am Shirley and don't call me serious.

Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you...never again ice cream man...never again....everytime I hear our song playing when you drive by I'm going to head straight to Cold Stone Ice Cream. You were convenient since you drove right by my house but I need someone who is more than convenience and you can't provide that (unless you are selling Chaco Tacos because those are amazing).

I'm my first subscriber

I'm kind of a big deal like Ron Burgandy only that was a made up movie character and I am a real person. People know me....you can't tell since I am my only subscriber. Is it lame to subscribe to myself? Ya didn't think so. Well I hope you like what I write about nothing...I love turning nothing into something. My awesome-0 advice for the day.....if you are having a bad day just kick some random person in the leg and run...trust me....you will feel so much better (disclaimer: make sure you are faster than the random person and make sure you can take them in a fight just in case you can't get away).

PdG