I've been teepeed!!! Revenge in the works!

Two months ago I walked outside my house to go for a run when my life flashed before my eyes. I'll never forget the felling of disgust...the feeling of lost hope. What I saw that day no one should ever have to witness. I felt like vomiting due to the smell and the brutal sight that was before me. I realized then that someone sick was trying to send me a message. They weren't playing around...this was serious. All I can remember is I saw white everywhere....toilet paper filled my front yard. My house had been teepeed! My neighbor, Mrs. Alvarez, was outside looking at me and I mad dogged her back as she quickly became my number one suspect. What was she doing outside at 7am in the morning? Was she there waiting to see my reaction to her art work destruction and chaos? She had a look on her face that I will never forget...a look that said "Yeah I did it...what you gonna do about it bitch?" For someone who teepeed my house she was sure being Joe Cool about it. I'm sure she was having the time of her life watching me weep....10 hours before I had called this my front yard...now I didn't even recognize what it had become. I decided I wouldn't give her the satisfaction so I started playing in the toilet paper. Take that hag! However, through my Sherlock Holmes Jessica Fletcher Encyclopedia Brown detective skills, I was able to gather evidence and use my sharp detective skills to determine that she was not the one who did it. You see I can pick up the smallest details like a hawk! I used my detective skillset to conclude that a 95 year old woman in a wheelchair probably wouldn't be able to climb trees in the middle of the night (and I'm pretty sure she doesn't even use toilet paper).

To this day I haven't found the despicable, heartless toilet paper vandals (or what I like to call them The Mercy Flushes). Since I don't know who did it and it's been two months since the heinous crime occurred, I am just going to egg all my friends’ and reader's houses this weekend including yours. I apologize in advance for my justified actions, but as you can tell there is nothing else I can do to make sure I get my revenge on the teepiers. Don't take it personal. I'm a victim. I can't walk outside for fear of seeing toilet paper in the trees or in my bushes. I'm scared to even use the restroom anymore. I interrogate everyone who comes over to my house with calculated questions. Where were you between the hours of 2am and 7am on Saturday, June 13th? What brand of toilet paper do you use? Can you climb a tree?

This can all be avoided if the teepiers come forward or someone gives me a tip on who the perpetrators are. I will give $4.54, a Ken Griffey Jr. Upper Deck rookie card (in near mint condition and valued at $80 ten years ago), and a McDonald's buy one get one free Big Mac coupon to anyone who can provide information leading to the execution prosecution of these dangerous criminals. The only information I have is that one of low-lifes was between 4ft and 8ft tall, had blondish-brunettesh hair, was left and/or right handed, and might have been a female (or male?). So if you know anyone that fits this description send me a message or contact the police. Don't take the law into your own hands. The teepiers might be armed and dangerous with said toilet paper.

I have been victimized. But instead of feeling sorry for myself I am going to turn this devastating tragedy into a positive. If I get teepeed again, I will actually come out the winner because I won't have to buy toilet paper for a month. The ball's in your court teepiers.